Academy-award winning actor and renowned Scientologist, Tom Cruise, announced through his publicist that he has officially purchased the publishing rights to the L. Ron Hubbard series of fantasy novels, which are the basis of the religion of Scientology. The announcement has come as no surprise to many, as Mr. Cruise has grown increasingly isolated in his fortress deep within the jungles of the Amazon, rarely making public appearances.
Shirty-shorty was quoted as saying "Hubbard is a piece of s*** that knew how to manipulate simple-minded people. He doesn't deserve any credit for his work. I could've gotten millions of people to join! If I were [Hubbard], Scientology would be bigger than Christianity. I love you kat-kat."
A recent raid on the Cruise Ranch in Alcapulco, New Mexico, turned up a large stockpile of live hand grenades as well as dozens of Soviet-made cold-war era AK47's. The raid also turned up dozens of illegal aliens, believed to be from the planet RG12 near the Abdutkalactika Galaxy.
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